roxy_roller

Can anyone really believe that summer is coming to and end? It seems so surreal.

On Friday, for my last shift of work, I kept saying to Ricky 'Only (so much time) until our LAST shift is done' but I never thought that it would actually end. When it did, it felt like any other day, but I knew that it wasn't.

On Wednesday, I am leaving to go back to Montreal. It's going to feel exactly like that last shift at work: I won't believe that it will actually be happening. When it hits, I know that will feel sad. I had such an amazing summer, this summer. I did so little, but the things I did (camping, wedding, those few parties and lifeguard get-togethers) were so-- much fun and the people I shared them with made them so much more unforgetable. I distanced myself from a lot of people this summer, it wasn't on purpose but it happened. I guess that's what a year away can do to friendships. But I did find people to spend my summer with (mostly lifeguards and relatives I.e.: Kyle, JoLENE, that week with Caroline, etc) new, and old. It pains me to think that I wasn't able to save my friendships with some people (they're still there but not the way I had hoped to keep them)before the summer was over and also that I did get to spend as much time with some people as I'd have liked. There are things that I regret and at the same time, maybe it is better that they happened the way the did. Though, a lot of pain was caused, in the end, it just makes everything that much easier.

For a second, let's rewind to this time last year. Getting ready for my first year of University. I was so excited and everything seemed so perfect: I had an awesome summer with my friends and was ready to start the new school year with a whole new outlook on life. I was sure that I would procrastinate less, keep my room neat and tidy and that I would just fall completely in love with life at school. None of that happened for me. My first year sucked. It sucked bad. So, with that said, it is not hard to understand why I am so hesistant about going back right now. I won't really admit, not outloud anyway, but I am terrified. What if I don't do better? What if I dont' make more friends? Life here is so easy and comfortable. Time just passes you by without even a moment of thought. It's like, I wish time could just freeze, but at the same time, I *need* to go out there and finish my degree and become a success (even though sometimes, I feel like it won't happen for me) What happened to that little girl who believed she could do anything she set her mind to? The hard-headed girl that looked at herself in the mirror and saw someone that was so loved, her head nearly exploded with happiness? Ignorance is bliss. Now I see myself for who I am: a fairly average person. Now, this isn't a bad thing, I just need to learn to like it better and not get so down on myself. And if I set my mind to it, I could be even more.

I love livejournal. When I feel like typing, it's here. And people can read what I have to say though I;m sure they dont find that it makes much sense,.. it's a glimpse into my mind: I am constantly jumping from one thought to another without even linking them together. I really dotn know how they come, but they do and that's that.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: RENT soundtrack

Salt water tastebuds
Live an eternity if
You are brave enough

To take a bite and
Savour the bittersweetness
Of the summer's heat

The passion we feel;
More real than imagined is
Stronger than reason

Love's intensity
Can never be too much, since
Our hearts need care, but

Possibility
Means that things can always change
Despite one's hopes and

Often we do not
Realize defeat until
There is nothing left

We see that we take
Too much for granted and must
Live with our mistakes

Sometimes the summer
Goes not how we expect; and
Summer Romance Dies

Current Mood: calm

I can't help but feel nostalgic. When the air is so warm and sweet. And All I think about is summer. Summer.

I can't wait to go home.

Sara- Studying then bed says: i only love you :P

Current Mood: stressed

So, I am officially and official University student. WOOT. I had to write a paper and stayed up to write it. had my coffee in one hand and chocolate covered coffee beans in the other (a la ms cochrane) so when it came time to actually sleep, of course I couldn't, it's five now so I might be able to sneak in about an hour or two of sleep, hopefully.

My allergies are acting up real bad and I;m so tired so my sentences aren't exactly sentences and ? I will fix this when I am not so exhuasted. blah

** Ok so I think what I wanted to say was something like "I am officially an official univeristy student" because I pulled an all nighter. I had finished my paper at around 3 or 4 but could not fall asleep, so I stayed up and went to my morning class, I only took at nap at 2 in the afternoon and went to my night class later on (at 6) but I;m all rested now because I slept like 14 hours last night. (Tuesday)

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: silence..? it's five the freaking morning!

I know the feelings are real, I know because, if they weren't, how else could I feel them? The pain is real because every night when I lay my head on my pillow, it's his face I see, and yet my eyes are filled with tears. But to say I Love? no, I don't think that's real. Not in a good way anyway. If someone were to ask if I had ever been in love, my answer would be no, and I wouldn't hesitate either. What I feel insde is like, well really it's hard for me to describe it to someone else but it's this like, intense, pulsing in my heart and aching in my limbs the kind where when you hear about it or see it on television you're like "oh, that's love dear, nothing more, dont' stress" but tha'ts not the kind that I want to remember. It's not the kind that I grew up believing in. I think it's an emotion much stronger than love (how would I know though, right?) it's an emotion of combined pain and anger and the kind that you just won't ever forget. I won't remember it is something I particularly enjoyed nor something I wish I wouldnt' have experienced because, let's face it, what doesnt' kill you will only make you stronger and I think I have become a much more independent person through this difficult time.

Last night someone asked me who I loved because my personal message on msn said "I love you...in the least obvious of ways" (which, is a line from one of my poems in a previous entry) and I knew my answer, but I couldn't say who because it's so terrible and sad. and also, because it would be a lie. And that is why I didn't tell you. Because, when I do fall in love, it won't be over some meaningless "relationship" with a self-centered bastard that keeps me confused and awake at night, it also won't be after a mere month of dating someone who, until then I hadnt' even known. I won't marry until I;m in my late twenties, so if anyone's thinking of proposing (you know you love me, Sara, hahaha) hold your tongue because I want to see things first. But most of all, I think I really need to love myself first before I love someone else, and before I can let someone love me, because after all, I;m the most important person in my life (and I meant that in a completely non-selfish, non-self-centered sort of way).

makes sense? didn't think so.

ahh, I'm back! hahaha

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: hanson

so I was supposed to do some homework today but of course that didnt' happen.

I swear, when I go to my grandmaman's it's like doing the groceries. Today she gave me ham, maple butter and pork rinds. haha ew but it's the thought that counts, right? I do like going there though. Get a nice meal (not that I don't cook well, I;m pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself.) and she always has something for dessert. Today we had strawberries and cream. Sooo yummy.

After grandmaman's I went swimming. I was pretty pumped because after twenty minutes I had already swam 1000m (40 laps) so I decided to do some fly to celebrate. I was doing well too, until I wacked this lady in the hand. I stopped and helped her to the side (I thought I hit her in the face) and I was like "are you ok?!?!" and she was like "NO!!!" and right pissed at me. I stayed with her a bit and the lifeguard talked to her but he didnt' seem to think it was serious (nor did I, I was just being nice) I continued swimming but stopped again to see how she was doing and apparently she was bruising already after like a minute. Etrange. Also, when I was in the changing room she was complaining to this lady about how she got hit. I mean come on!! I know it hurts and everything and it sucks when someone interrupts your swimming but it's not like I just kept going, I stopped, helped AND apologized though I regret it now 'cause she was such a bitch. urg. I felt real bad though.


I have decided that I am completely obsessed with receiving comments. Here AND on myspace. haha it's SO much fun. I don't know why.. but it just is. plus when I get comments I also get e-mails and that just brightens up my day. : )

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Watching "Johnny be Good"

001. reply with your name and i'll respond with some random things about you.
002. i'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
003. i'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
004. i'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
005. i'll tell you my first memory of you.
006. i'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
007. i'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
008. if i do this for you, you must post this on your journal. you must. it is written.

I did this on someone else's journal so I had to follow through. so there we go. any volunteers?

Also,

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I lovable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I would kill myself?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your live/dead journal and see what I say about you?
21. Would you ever date me?
22. How bored are you right now?

(same reason ish)

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Ashlee Simpson

Ah so much work. It's nerve racking. Although when I do get the work done it does feel awfully good. *nods*

So as you know, I've been swimming again and I am getting progressively better. WOOT. I can now fit back into the jeans I wore last summer. YAY (and the chikita banana skirt Wwooot) no only that but I;m getting stronger and faster and improving my endurance and strokes. My aim is to place at the swim meet this summer for 50m fly. I hope I can do it!!

After next Tuesday I will have one more paper to complete, and three finals so I;m pretty much done after that Tuesday. Of course I will have a lot of work left to do but it won't be all at once and I can do it a bit at a time (of course the paper is due like the tenth of April [Derrick's B-Day BTW] and my first final is on the twentieth (or something) but still tha'ts a sufficient amount of time.

Also, after my last exam, I am hoping to make a trip for a week. Spend a few days in Ottawa then a few days in toronto. I was gonna go between then end of classes and my exams but I realized I didn't have enough time to do that. Hopefully I can make the trip, and have enough money to visit Sara afterwards.

I can't wait to get home to where it's calm and quiet and where there are actually some trees and stuff to look at. It's huge here and exciting but the scenery gets kind of boring.. same dirty buildings day after day. I miss Tide Head!! Plus I want to see the Gangs of Campbellton and laugh at them 'cause that's pretty friggin' hilarious!


I never imagined that you would play
Such an important role in my life
Take so much part
In my thought process
I thought it impossible
That you could hurt me
That you could affect me in any way at all
And yet, perhaps life was teaching me a lesson
Using you as an important tool;
A dream
That I could never explain
Yet also never achieve
Perhaps, I needed to learn,
That not everything can be easy
Or easily had.
That without pain
How could happiness possibly be at all real?

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Kelly Clarkson

I find it terribly difficult to find someone to talk to. I have many friends, I know, that are there for me but they all feel so distant (not only because they really *are* far away) and also because my "problems" are so distant. I guess I feel that they're not important, because they deal with things that have happened so long ago. I mean, there are always new ones but that goes without saying because I am a teenager (haha)

I just can't wait for this semester to be over. I have a shitload of work to do (procrastination, procrastination, procrastination) and then it's all over and I can go home and just start thinking about next year, or not think at all for that matter. *deep breath* I hope this summer is a good one. I need a good break. I need to be somewhere quiet and I need to not be around so much good shopping. haha. My Christmas break back home was absolutely amazing. I didnt' hang out much with my friends but it was so quiet and relaxing, and I enjoyed every single minute of it (well, maybe not every minute, but most minutes). I hope my summer is like that. I hope my dad and I get along. I hope Sara comes home. I hope the wedding goes alright and that I can get time off at the pool (and that I actually get the job at the atholville pool)

I am hoping to make a trip to Oakville and Ottawa soon to visit some family. Some time before my exams because my exams are all at the end of April. Kinda Shitty. So that will be a good trip. Though I will definitely have to make time to study for those exams. Also, when I go home I am also hoping to go visit Sara in Moncton to make her some meringues (and convince her to come home for the summer.... note to Sara: I'll make you meringues all summer! ;) )

I find it kinda funny how, last year I would write entries in my other journal and I would just rant and rant but now I find it really hard to do that. Maybe they didnt' always make sense, or maybe there were large gaps between the long entries but, I feel like the ones in this journal really lacking, like I'm afraid to speak my mind?

Current Mood: crushed

I dreamt of you last night
I didn’t realize you were there
In the least obvious of ways
The strangest forms
Just to show me that
You affect me completely
Even when I’m not thinking of you
Unconsciously you never leave my thoughts
When I woke
I immediately saw your face
And understood
That I love you
In the least obvious of ways

Do you know how many poems are dedicated to you on my computer? I counted once... the number was 6. not exactly a lot but the time and thought and effort put into each syllable, it's overwhelming. And since that time I've continued to write, I probably can't even count them anymore and there's more to come because with each passing day a new memory creeps in and new inspiration occurs. It's so pathetic that I can't let go. why am I so stuck on you?

When I hear your name
Your face flashes before my eyes
My heart warms in an instant
Beats faster
But I can’t help be feel angry
But that’s how you want it
That’s how you want to be remembered
As though you were saying that you won
This is not a game for you to play
But if it makes you feel bigger
You won.
I was hurt
I still ache at the thought of you
But mostly
Because in the picture that I see of you
In my mind’s eye
You have pain written across your brow
And tears welling inside
I wish you wouldn’t hide from me.

Why is it, that even after so much time has gone by I still cling to this impossible thred of hope? months and months and months ago I thought I had passed the expiry date, and yet here I am still pondering the same thoughts, day in and day out. how come it took so long to hear your truth? When asked straight out, you lied and yet now? now you choose to give me a piece of your mind?

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: talking on the phone

Take the Which Character Am I? Quiz

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Watching Sixteen Candles (How Suitable)

So it's been a pretty busy week. I'm exhausted and my legs are terribly sore from all the walking we've been doing. Kyle's here and I'm having an amazing time with him. I'm spending a lot of money but it's worth it. We've been traveling the world.. haha for our meals we're trying to eat at all kinds of different places. We've had Mexican, Thai, Chinese... it's fun! On Tuesday, we met up with Sarah Belliveau and we had a mini party here, it was fun. We had jello shooters, and peach schnapps and a bit of tequila but not much 'cause I don't think any of us could have handled it that night. After that we went out to "Sir"...something I don't remember the name. The music was V. Loud and kinda old :s lol but it was a good time. We went to Mcd afterward and then headed home. Since then Kyle and I have done some more shopping and gone swimming. It's fun, I wish he didn't have to leave tomorrow (!) night.

Oooooh. Also, Yesterday, while we were shopping we stumbled into this used CD store that Bobby and I used to like to go to (I try to avoid it because I always buy stuff) and I found the breakfast club and two Cyndi Lauper cds ("She's so Unusual" and "Twelve Deadly Cyns" ) which I am V excited about.

AH! And also I finally got my hands on an argyle sweater vest. It's not exactly like what I was looking for but it was only 10$ and that's better than paying like 100$

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: All Through the Night- Cyndi Lauper

mmm...I went swimming today. It felt soooo gooooood. I was tired after about fifteen minutes (I haven't swam since August) but I stayed for the whole hour. I need to re-build my endurance so I plan to start going more often. mmmmmm.. I feeel so weak, but in a good way. Have Fun.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Watching Frasier

Guess I just felt like writing. I;m kinda stressed because I hve two exams tomorrow and about four papers due in the next month... eek! I hope I get through it without losing any credits.. I will do it!! I must keep myself motivated.

---------------------------------NOTE: COFFEE FEEDS YOUR NERVES!! BE CAREFUL!------------------------------------------------

On the upside, Kyle is gonna be here in less than a week so I have to start preparation. It's gonna be different because I usually only do groceries for one person (though it's not always me that eats it :\ ) I'll doing shopping for two now for a week. I dont' think it will affect my budget too much : ). Plus we'll probably eat out a few times. I just can't wait to hang out with him, ahh it's gonna be so much fun! Belliveau is supposed to arrive the day after him too so that should be good. PARTY! =)

I;m so tired from stressful lack of sleep, I have bags under my eyes that I am *attempting* to hide with makeup though I;m not exactly sure it's working.

Also, I'm thinking of changing my hair. But I;m scared. We all know what happened when I decided to get layers in grade ten *shudder* I do not want a repeat. oh my many faithful readers (hahahaha) any suggestions? :-) haha

Have fun!

Current Mood: stressed

So I'm my room listening to my favorite song this week (Cyndi Lauper- "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough" ) and I;m looking through my drawers and decide to try on my bathing suit. Oh MY DEAR LORD! It's time to get into Shape. Summer is approaching faster than expected. I really can't wait for it to get here but I gotta trim down! I;m all soft and pudgy. haha Ew. Love handles. haha Time to hit the pool! oh well I'll just have to watch more closely what I eat. : )

Current Mood: shocked
Current Music: Cyndi Lauper

Ah! I am back. When I got back to Mtl after the Christmas break, my internet wasn't working. It took my parents about a month to get things straightened out with the warrantee for the computer and when I finally brought my computer into the store.. turns out that there was just a little button on the side of my laptop that was off instead of on :| Not Fun. I felt so stupid! hahaha oh well, what's new then eh? mmm.. so yeah not a long entry because even though I haven't written since Christmas vacation, nothing interesting has happened (then again, when does anything interesting happen? ) ha just writing to say I;m alive!

Why is it that bad things happen when you're not feeling particularly good about yourself anyway?

Example:

Dad- "Melvin says your getting fat"

Roxanne- *stares*

Dad- "Right around here *pats belly*"

Roxanne- "Thanks"

Dad- "It wasn't *me* that said it! It was Melvin!"

Roxanne- "Can't you keep anything to yourself?"

Dad- "Want some cake?"

Current Mood: cranky

I think I might throw up
Dispose of my emotions
Let the world finally see
What's been inside of me
All this time locked up tight
I hid it all
But I can't take it by myself anymore
So I'll take the plunge---
Let you take me away


I just might cry
The pain is all too real
Everything falls to the puddle beneath me
Leaving me empty
(The glass isn't always half full)
Exposing myself
To be judged by society---
To be torn to pieces


I might laugh
Break through the barrier of silence,
The never ending tears
Though nothing can ever be over
And you say you can fix me
Rid my life of all that's wrong and painful
But it will come back again
To haunt my dreams and my reality

Did I expect everything to be the same? No. But I expected it to be better. No one is perfect and I am certainly included in that statement. I guess, I've been stressed a lot and I've never really been very tolerant certain personality traits in people. And Alcohol makes my tongue very slippery (not htat I dotn' speak my mind when I;m sober, but I think I handle things a bit betteR). and I hate apoligizing when I know I am not the only guilty party, because why should I always be the one tha'ts sorry? Can't two people apologize in a relationship? It seems with many of the friendships I have that whatever happens, I often make the extra effort to make up even though I do not always feel particularly wrong. But I guess it's better than losing a friend, though sometimes I feel terrible about not standing up for myself heh, I guess it's kind of hypocritical because that's what gets me into problems in the beginning. I might as well not say anything at all, but maybe Id feel worse.
anyway. Whatever.

Current Mood: cranky